This has to be the hardest post I have written to date. Please bear with me as it has taken me all of friday to get my thoughts and feelings straight. Initially I had not written this week due to doubting my self and what I wanted to share. I was not sure what you would want to read.
When Wednesday morning came I was woken up by my brother. My cat (I call him my little boy) was not eating and crying. Throughout the day we were distraught on what to do, the signs told me that he might not be with me much longer. I doubted the signs and told myself that he was strong and we just needed to help him eat.
Once it got to early evening, I finally allowed myself to begin to accept what was happening. I was not going to have “My little boy” around for when I get married or even have kids. I wanted that so badly. It was a little dream I had for the two of us. To finally have something stable and not have to move so much. A little over a month after we came home the first time , there was an electrical fire at my apartment. Thankfully for both of us it was on the other side of the building. But when I was let in to get my things, I could not think of anything but finding him. He was missing.
The next day I was prepared to make fliers. My Aunt, who was down to visit, heard he was at the shelter where I got him. When we got there he had been moved to another shelter. When I was finally in the room to “identify” him, he let me know where he was with a big hiss.
From there he lived with my parents till I got a new place and we stayed there until December 2013. From there we lived together with my family while I faced big life decisions. Here he got to experience the outdoors, rather than hearing the sounds from the busy street near us before (he disliked loud noises). We would throw sticks most recently and he wound chase after them. It made the whole family laugh.
Its the memories that keep me going right now. Late Wednesday evening, after we told him how much we loved him as we pet him, he passed. Till then I had never had a pet pass like that right before me or be there for everything after. I insisted on holding him while my brother let my parents know, we kept them informed while they were away.
Besides him I have not cried that much except for my Grandmother, who helped raise me. The feeling was the same. I was so close to Shuuhei that I still have moments where I think I hear him and expect him to be in any of his favorite spots.
The only thing that is helping me through is the necklace I put together Thursday with my Mom. I felt like I wanted to keep something from him close to my heart. That is why I have his Toronto liscence from when we lived there on the chain. With it is a charm of the moon and a star, I thought it represented us well as we stayed up late many nights together.
While I walk now, it makes a noise that sounds like when it was on his collar. It is strangely soothing to hear it cling together as if he is with me still. That does not mean that I don’t have moments where I cry. Instead of keeping the pain of loosing my “child” (yes I am that kind of cat person, and proud of it) inside, I am letting it out.
Once my parents are back again we are going to make a little marker for where he is along with his friend Kiki, our family cat. Loss is hard but it is best to let yourself process how ever you need to. Mine was spending time with my family, remembering the good, seeing my best friend , letting emotions flow and (disappointingly) smoke. The latter I am vowing to quit but that is another story for another day.